


I'm Not Your Dad

by smellslikecitrus



Series: Hamilton Memes [1]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Confusing, Crack Fic, Funny, Gen, One Shot, Swearing, The Author Regrets Nothing, Yeah... Idk either, You should watch it, based on a youtube video, prank, there were no moves
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-07
Updated: 2017-07-07
Packaged: 2018-11-28 20:51:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,036
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11425962
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smellslikecitrus/pseuds/smellslikecitrus
Summary: Alex has just gotten surgery. He was still loopy when Hercules got him home to the living room. Earlier, Herc had called Lafayette to tell him his idea. Lafayette agreed.This is based on Evan Breen’s video“dying”. You should watch it, it’s funny.





	I'm Not Your Dad

Alex and Hercules sat in the living room together, waiting for Lafayette to come home. John wouldn't be home in another hour, so Alex and Herc had taken it upon themselves to prank Lafayette. At least, that's what Hercules told Alex. 

“Remember what I said: I. Do. The. Talking. Okay?” Herc grumbled at Alex. 

“Yeah, yeah. But… what if— wait, can I be the hype man?!” Alex asked excitedly, getting caught up in his own train of thought. 

“Hamilton. Alexander. My man. My dude. What did I just tell you? You don't say _anything_! I know it will be hard for you, but we can't have you ruining this! I'm into ~espionage~ and I can lie like a picture on Instagram.”

Alex, red faced, grumbled, “how do you even come up with these analogies?”

Hercules ignored him and instead focused his attention on the silver Prius that pulled in the driveway. Because of course Lafayette drove a Prius. 

“They’re coming in! Just be quiet and look supportive!” Herc shushed the smaller man. 

“Got it. Be supportive,” whispered Alex optimistically. Herc had no time to go over it with him again, so he just shrugged and sat down in his chair.

Lafayette entered. “Herc? Hercules?”

Hercules looked like he was about to dive into a pool that he couldn't touch the bottom in. He paused, then, “what do you want, bitch?”

Lafayette gasped dramatically, “how dare you.”

“Yeah, I said it,” responded Hercules. 

“How dare you,” repeated Lafayette. 

“Yeah, I said it,” said Hercules again, going around the conversation circle.

“How dare you,” Lafayette sounded ready to repeat the phrase a hundred more times. 

“I don't even care,” said Hercules casually. “Okay? And he’s-he,” he gestured to Alex standing awkwardly behind him, “agrees with me, huh?”

“Yeah, what do you want bitch?” Alex repeated Herc’s original phrase energetically. 

“Will you shut the fuck up?” Hercules ordered Alex. 

“Who do you think you are?” accused Lafayette. 

“I'm the man of the house,” Hercules said smugly. 

“Yeah and I'm the boy of the house!” Alex jumped in. 

“Will you shut the fuck up?” came from Herc again, still directed at Alex. 

“Yeah okay, Dad.” Alex said less enthusiastically.

“What has gotten into this family?!” A shocked Lafayette looked between the man and boy of the house.

“You’re not fam anymore,” said Hercules in a tone that had no room for argument.

“Yeah, you're not fam anymore!” Alex bounced behind Herc, the excess energy and excitement needing to be let out somehow. 

“Will you shut the fuck up?!” Herc told Alex for the third time. 

Lafayette let out a weak smile, “oh, really. And why is that?”

“Because your moves are weak, babe, okay?” The self-proclaimed man of the house stated.

“Ya, your moves are weak!!” bounced Alex. “...Okay bitch?”

“Hey!” scolded Hercules, “you don't call them bitch!”

“But Dad!” whined Alex, “I mean, c-c’mon!”

“I'm not your dad,” interrupted Herc.

“Honey!” cried Lafayette, “what’re you doing?”

“I'm telling him once and for all!” responded Hercules. 

“What do you mean—” questioned Alex, confused. He looked to Hercules.

“I'm not your dad! You were adopted,” Herc said with finality. 

“What? No! Wha— what? No!!” Alex refused to believe it.

“Look at your hair, and then look at mine,” said Hercules, deadpan.

Alex took a lock of dark, straight hair between his fingers and examined it. He looked ready to cry. “Mom--”

“What are you doing?” asked Lafayette again.

“Lemme handle this, okay bitch?” snapped Hercules.

“Yeah, _fam_ only!” hyped Alex.

Lafayette responded with vigor, “I am your _mother_!”

Hercules jumped in, “no you’re not!”

Alex took that sentence and went with it, “not anymore! We decided you’re out!” He laughed a little breathlessly and looked at Hercules for guidance.

“Will you shut the fuck up with that please?!” he huffed, “Jesus Christ.”

Lafayette looked for an explanation, “wh-what happened, why am I not fam anymore?”

Hercules wasn’t done with Alex, “I’m not your fucking dad okay? Look at you.”

“Da— I look exactly like you, dude!” Alex said indignantly.

“You look like a _bird_.” Say what you will about Hercules Mulligan, but he could roast both his friends and enemies like a turkey on Thanksgiving.

“He does not look like a _bird_!” protested Lafayette on behalf of Alex.

“Will you shut the fuck up?” Herc turned his saying on Lafayette.

“Yeah!” interrupted Alex, but his support was ignored by the others in favor of Hercules continuing his rant.

“This is a _family_ issue, okay?”

Alex, of course, repeated him, “this is a family issue… you bitch!”

Hercules spoke through his teeth, “what did I tell you about calling your mother a bitch?”

Lafayette looked on the verge of tears, “why am I not fam anymore?”

This time Alex responded directly, “because your moves are weak!”

Hercules echoed the sentiment, “because your moves are weak.”

Speechless, Lafayette responded, “what?”

Alex, being the _special_ human that he was, took the moment to dab. “Your moves are weak, Mom!”

“Will you stop calling them Mom?”

“But Dad!”

“I’m not your dad, and they’re not your mom!” Hercules pointed at Lafayette while maintaining eye contact with the almost-trembling Alex.

“He’s right,” admitted Lafayette regretfully.

“What?” Alex looked absolutely shocked. “C’mon, fam!”

Lafayette glanced down at Hercules, “we’re not your fam.”

“That’s right,” concluded Herc.

Alex gasped, “what?” He looked at Hercules pleadingly, “we’re fam, right?”

Hercules responded as if he was talking to a kindergartener, “No, you’re adopted. I’m not your fucking dad.”

Lafayette entered the conversation, “yeah, we found you. In a park. On a swingset. You were taped to it.”

Alex’s face was a mixture of shock and sadness, “what?”

Lafayette told him, “this family doesn’t want me,” and turned to leave. “You know what, I’m outta here.”

“What do you mean?!” Alex was just so confused at this point, he didn’t know what was real! Hercules turned on him.

“My wife and I— we’re getting a divorce.” Hercules told Alex.

“No— Dad!”

“I’m not your fucking dad!”

“Mom— c’mon!”

“They’re not your mom!”

Lafayette stayed by the door but made no other move to leave, “I’m not your fucking mom, okay?”

Alex tried to salvage what was the rest of his fam, “but— Dad what about!” He dabbed a couple times, “the moves?”

Hercules shot him down, “there were no moves.”

Lafayette joined him, “there were no moves.”

“But Dad!” Alex dabbed again, trying to get Hercules to reciprocate. “C-c’mon!”

Hercules turned to look at Lafayette, “What’re you doing talking to him?”

Lafayette looked at him, “wh-what?”

“That’s my adopted son, okay?”

Alex just looked more and more confused, “what the f- what the f— is going on?”

Lafayette just responded to Herc, “okay, I know!”

Hercules held eye contact, “yeah, you don’t talk to him like that!”

“He’s my adopted son too! Okay!”

“Not anymore!” Hercules was enjoying this, “I’m leaving!”

“What?” Alex seemed a little panicked, “y-you’re leaving- Mom?”

“They’re not your fucking mom!”

“What do you mean?” squawked Lafayette.

“You guys are getting a divorce?”

Hercules spun on Lafayette, “I’m leaving with Maria! I like boobs now!”

“What the— you’re straight?” Alex seemed more upset about this than anything else.

Lafayette jabbed right back at Herc, “oh, you like boobs now?”

“Yeah, I like big, fat boobs okay!”

“Dad what the f- what’s going on?”

“Well hopefully they’re bigger than yours!” Lafayette shouted at Herc.

“Oh, they are! Bigger! Than— both of ours, are bigger, than yours.”

“What the frick am I supposed to do?!” Alex demanded.

“You’re coming with me,” started Lafayette, but was interrupted by Hercules saying, “nah, he’s coming with me! And Maria!”

Alex added his input, “nah, I’m not going with you, Dad! You like boobs!”

Herc tried to placate him, “there’s nothing wrong with liking a little boob!”

“Thought you said they were big boobs!” interjected Lafayette.

“They are big boobs!” defended Hercules, “Maria has the biggest boobs in the world! Besides mine.” He leaned back in his chair, satisfied with his argument.

Alex looked helplessly at Lafayette, “what am I supposed to do?”

Hercules whipped his head around to glare at Lafayette, then looked solemnly at Alex, “you’re dying.”

Lafayette glanced at the back of Herc’s head, then turned their gaze to Alex and nodded their head. “You’re dying,” they echoed, quieter.

Alex switched between looking at them. “What?” he whispered.

“It’s true,” said Lafayette.

Alex talked out the situation to himself, “first it’s Mom, Mom and Dad? And then my Dad’s straight with Maria? ...Big boobs? And now I’m _dying_?” He almost started crying right then and there.

Hercules looked at his hands, then back at Alex, “I’m not straight.”

Lafayette took a breath, then, “he’s not straight, son.”

“... _Son_?” Alex did not like those rare times when he didn’t know everything, and here he was in this situation, so confused he probably couldn’t tell left from right. “I thought I was— was adopted?”

Hercules just gazed at him, “you’re not.”

Lafayette flicked their eyes from Herc to Alex.

“So you guys aren’t, getting a divorce?” Alex puzzled out.

Hercules kept his eyes on Alex’s face, “no, we just wanted to make it easier on you.”

Lafayette joined in, “we figured we got this news, and we wanted to make things a bit… smoother.”

Alex’s face visibly filled with rage, “what, so you dropped a bomb that I’m divorced and you guys are getting adopted?!”

Hercules rolled his eyes. Lafayette said, “ _you’re_ adopted, _we’re_ getting a divorce.”

Alex looked back at him, “wha-wh— bu- what— I thought you said you weren’t!”

Herc tried to spell it out for him, “we’re not! I’m just explaining it!”

Alex still seemed confused, “huh?”

Hercules continued, “we just wanted to, lighten the load.”

Lafayette said tenderly, “we love you, son.”

“Wh— am- am I dying?” Alex gasped out.

Hercules grumbled, “yes.” Lafayette nodded along, “yes.”

The smallest man was starting to make some noises not unlike a dying fish, “of what?”

Hercules made eye contact again, “you’re just— dying.”

Lafayette repeated him, “you’re just dying.”

“What do you mean?”

Hercules said it like it was obvious, “you’re just fucking dying. Okay? Jesus.”

Lafayette said it softly, “you’re gonna die.”

“Wh— when?”

Hercules looked annoyed, “I don’t know? Someday? Every— everybody dies!”

“Are you— wha— are you dying?” Alex asked hopefully, his face starting to light up, “ar— and you?”

“Yes! What the fuck, don’t they teach you this shit in school? I mean—” Hercules was definitely irritated.

“I’m gonna die?”

“Yeh, when you’re old.” Hercules said it like it was a fact.

“Yeh, yeah!” said Lafayette agreed.

“WHAT?!” Alex screeched, and promptly ran past Lafayette into another room with an eerie expression on his face.

Hercules and Lafayette held the perplexed looks on their faces for a few more seconds before breaking down into quiet giggles so Alex wouldn’t hear. They high fived.

About an hour later, John came home. Alex was nowhere to be found, probably hiding in Alex and John’s bedroom. Hercules was just about done making dinner with his pink, flowery apron hanging on his large frame and Lafayette sitting at the counter admiring his ass.

“Hey y’all, did’ya tell Alex he’s gonna die one day?” John asked jokingly as he walked into the kitchen.

The other two broke down in giggles again and recounted the details. John smiled and laughed at all the right parts, then excused himself so he could go comfort his fatally confused boyfriend.

He walked into their bedroom to see Alex spinning in a circle with a blanket over his head. He pulled it off as John came in, and John had to bite his tongue to keep from laughing at his expression.

John hugged him, whispered a few words to him to calm him down, and they went down to dinner together, holding hands. 

The infamous “Dying Prank,” as it became known, was recounted many more times to the Schuyler sisters, to Aaron Burr, and once to Thomas Jefferson, (when he was very, very drunk, to keep him from remembering Alex’s shame), but right then, they were content to laugh at Alex through dinner and the next few days, then move along to other pranks and fun.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! If you liked it, let me know! I DID NOT COME UP WITH THIS, it's just something I wanted to write down with these characters. :)
> 
> Really tho watch the video it will make wayyy more sense. Kind of.


End file.
